Title: Film Reel
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters: Dean/Jo
Word Count: 1,600
Prompt: Gift Fic for Iluvroadrunner6 prompts ("You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”) at spn_hetexchange
Jo Harvelle believed in him. That was the only reason he could come up with for why she did what she did. Why she’d sacrificed her life for his. He shook his head as he glanced up, a blanket of black painting the sky, small pools of white glistening like thousands of lightening bugs in the sky.
The cool breeze brushed against him sending a shiver up his spine as he raised the bottle to his lips, the warm liquid burning its way down his throat. It had been two months since Carthage and yet, he couldn’t move on, couldn’t pick up and put it behind him like he did with everything else.
Jo haunted his thoughts, his dreams, and most of his waking hours. It was ridiculous how one girl could consume so much of his energy. It was late and he was sure Sam and Bobby were worried about him, but it was just getting too stuffy in that old house.
He’d needed to get out, go for a ride, clear his mind, but as he sat there on top of the impala’s hood in the middle of an empty field memories of her surrounded him. He closed his eyes and there she was. Like a movie that played continuously in his head, mocking him.
The first time they met she was a whirlwind of fury and blonde hair. Protecting her home from strangers…if he had known then what he knew now, things might have been different.
“Oh, God, please let that be a rifle.”
“No, I’m just real happy to see you. Don’t move.”
“Not movin’, copy that. You know, you should know somethin’, Miss. When you put a rifle on someone, you don’t wanna put it right against their back. ‘Cause it makes it real easy to do...that.”
Her small fist had slammed into his face and he remembered being surprised by the force of it. Eyes still closed, mind going back to that day, he smiled to himself as those moments played before his hidden eyes.
“How’d your mom get into this stuff, anyway?”
“My dad. He was a hunter. He passed away.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago. I was just a kid. Sorry to hear about your dad.”
“Yeah…So, I guess I got fifty-one hours to waste. Maybe tonight, we should, uh…no, you know what, never mind.”
“What?”
“Nothin’, just, uh…wrong place, wrong time.”
“You know, I thought you were gonna toss me some cheap pickup line. Most hunters come through that door think they can get in my pants with some pizza, a six-pack, and side one of Zeppelin IV.”
“What a bunch of scumbags.”
“But not you?”
“I guess not.”
It had been a lie. He’d wanted her, figured if they were gonna be hanging out there for a day or so why not? It wasn’t like they’d ever come back. Just passing through adding another woman to his list of many. But something had stopped him.
He thinks it might have been the look in her eyes. So trusting…full of want and curiosity. He’d seen that look on a lot of faces and normally he used it to his advantage, but not with her. She’d been different. At the time he couldn’t pinpoint why, but now he knew.
Even though Dean knew this would always be his life, a part of him had always wanted what his dad had before it had been ripped away. He wanted a family and out of all the women he’d ever known not one of them was a hunter.
Jo lived this life and a part of him must have realized that deep down. So he chose not to make her another one night stand, but resolved to try and get to know her instead. In the long run that hadn’t exactly worked out the way in planned.
“So.”
“So.”
“Am I gonna see you again?”
“Do you want to?”
“I wouldn’t hate it.”
“Can I be honest with you? See, normally, I’d be hittin’ on you so fast, it’d make your head spin. But, uh...these days…I don’t know.”
“Wrong place, wrong time? It’s okay, I get it.”
And she did get it. Jo never pushed him. Over the three years he’d known her she always let him make the first move. Their relationship might not have been physical, but they’d had a connection. There were several time he and Sam met up with Jo along the road for a hunt or two.
A few times they had even caught a movie together and drank a few beers. He could just never make himself take that leap. At the time it had seemed too risky and then once the devil was free and the apocalypse was among them, well it didn’t really seem to make sense.
They were all gonna die in the end anyway why make things more complicated? But Dean wished he had. Three years might not be much, but it was a hell of a lot more then he’d get now. A frown marred his face. No matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay, the memories always came back to the end.
The last day he saw her. The last day they’d ever work side by side. Had he known then what he knew now, he would have done something…anything to let her know how he felt. To make sure that she knew he meant something to him.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“So…dangerous mission tomorrow…I guess it’s time to eat drink…and you know, make merry.”
“Are you giving me the last night on earth speech?”
“What?”
“What?”
“No…if I was…would that…would that work?”
“No…sweetheart if this is our last night then I’m going to spend it with a little thing I call self respect.”
“If your into that kinda thing…”
He could still remember the way her warmth breath felt against his lips. He hadn’t expected her to pull away from him. She’d played him and god help him it had only made him want her more. He’d spent that whole night tense as hell watching her laugh and drink with Cas and her mom.
Sure he played a few rounds, but she kept sending him these knowing looks that made him want to take her, slam her against the wall and do all kinds of dirty things to prove that she wanted him too. But of course he hadn’t.
He’d told himself when this was over he’d approach her. Take her out on a real date, do somthin’ right for once. But he never got the chance. Had he known then what he knew now…he would have made that night count. He would have spent the night showing her just how much she meant to him even if he hadn’t realized it at the time.
He would have immersed himself in her body, cherished every caress, every kiss, every movement of flesh against flesh. Sometimes Dean imagined she had said yes. He pictures what it would have been like, how should would have felt beneath him.
How she would have tasted and it makes life without her by his side that much harder. Because he can never hold the fantasy for too long before the reality comes creeping back in.
“Okay this is it…I’ll see you on the other side? Probably sooner than later.”
“Make it later.”
He wrenched his eyes open as he gripped the bottle in his hand tightly. His breathing was heavy as he slid off the impala and paced trying to work off some of the excess energy inside of him. It always came back to the end. No matter how many memories he went through.
The fights, the banter, the hunts, the movies, the motel rooms, the bars, the dinner’s at Bobby’s, it always ended the same. Jo’s bloody body ripped and mangled in front of him. That’s when he finally understood everything he’d been feeling.
Love. Dean Winchester loved Jo Harvelle and as usual with matters of the heart he’d realized it too late. He had one moment to put years of feelings he hadn’t accepted into perspective. He had one kiss to show her how much she meant to him.
He’d wanted to tell her, to say the words, but even then he couldn’t. It was too much and he’d been selfish. If he admitted it then he’d also need be the one left behind and Dean had seen what losing someone you love more than yourself could do.
He didn’t want to be his father, but deep down he knew he already was. Sure he’d wanted the devil dead before this. He wanted him dead because he wanted to save his brother and that hadn’t changed. But now he would kill Lucifer because he was the reason Jo was gone.
Dean would take pleasure in finding a way to kill him and hopefully make it hurt. It wouldn’t bring Jo back, but it would make him feel like she died for a reason. There were some days he woke up and he wasn’t sure he could do it anymore.
Days where it felt like they were fighting a war they couldn’t win. He wanted to give up, but he didn’t. Not even when the pain felt tangible. No one knows how strong they are until being strong is the only choice they have.
Jo Harvelle believed in him. That was the only reason he could come up with for why she did what she did. Why she’d sacrificed her life for his and so he’d be strong for her.
He wrenched his eyes open as he gripped the bottle in his hand tightly. His breathing was heavy as he slid off the impala and paced trying to work off some of the excess energy inside of him. It always came back to the end. No matter how many memories he went through.
The fights, the banter, the hunts, the movies, the motel rooms, the bars, the dinner’s at Bobby’s, it always ended the same. Jo’s bloody body ripped and mangled in front of him. That’s when he finally understood everything he’d been feeling.
Love. Dean Winchester loved Jo Harvelle and as usual with matters of the heart he’d realized it too late. He had one moment to put years of feelings he hadn’t accepted into perspective. He had one kiss to show her how much she meant to him.
He’d wanted to tell her, to say the words, but even then he couldn’t. It was too much and he’d been selfish. If he admitted it then he’d also need be the one left behind and Dean had seen what losing someone you love more than yourself could do.
He didn’t want to be his father, but deep down he knew he already was. Sure he’d wanted the devil dead before this. He wanted him dead because he wanted to save his brother and that hadn’t changed. But now he would kill Lucifer because he was the reason Jo was gone.
Dean would take pleasure in finding a way to kill him and hopefully make it hurt. It wouldn’t bring Jo back, but it would make him feel like she died for a reason. There were some days he woke up and he wasn’t sure he could do it anymore.
Days where it felt like they were fighting a war they couldn’t win. He wanted to give up, but he didn’t. Not even when the pain felt tangible. No one knows how strong they are until being strong is the only choice they have.
Jo Harvelle believed in him. That was the only reason he could come up with for why she did what she did. Why she’d sacrificed her life for his and so he’d be strong for her.
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