Saturday, April 9, 2011

In The End

Banner By: Eva
Title: In The End
Rating: PG-13
Author: Sxymami0909
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Castiel-Centric (implied Castiel/Anna )
Word Count: 950
Song: “You Found Me” The Fray from deansmistress22

In the end everyone ends up alone

He brought the bottle of amber liquid to his lips taking several large swallows, wincing at the burn filling his throat. He sat outside the rundown motel room glancing at everything and yet seeing nothing. It was times like these, where his body ached for her.

Something inside him calling out for her security, her calming nature, gentle reassurances. She’d always been able to quell the beast in him. They’d been involved for centuries, and she’d always been unpredictable, a free spirit.

But no matter what she did or where her curiosity took her, it was never malicious or with ill intent, not even when she cut out her grace and fell from Heaven. He’d been angry with her for breaking the rules, going against their father, but more than that he was hurt that she had left him behind.

The bond they shared was not easily broken. Castiel felt her absence to the core of his being. He was never the same after she fell. His insistence to follow the rules, the anger and betrayal fueling him to do the Archangels bidding had gotten him to this point.

Water pooled at the edge of his eyes as he lifted the half empty bottle to his lips again stopping right before the cool glass touched them. If she could see him now, what he’d become, his loss of faith and hope in God and all that was good, she’d be appalled.

In the past whenever Castiel felt like he couldn’t handle the tasks that were given to him, Anna always said that as long as they tackled it together they could get through anything. But he’d sacrificed her for the greater good. Something he’d probably never forgive himself for.

He studied the people around him, Dean, Joanna, Sam, Robert, Ellen; and though these humans made promises to stay and fight, to always be there for one another in the end…everyone ended up alone.

Losing her, the only one who’s ever known

He hadn’t even been there when Michael murdered her and make no mistake that was what he had done. Anna would never have gone to such extremes unless she was forced. She had been fighting for the Winchesters since the beginning.

One of the many reasons she’d rebelled was because she did not agree with the measures being taken to control the actions of humans. She wanted the freedom to make her own choices about what she believed, she wanted to feel, love and be loved.

She had wanted Castiel to fall with her, but at the time he had thought there was no greater sin. Now, he knew better. He had never wanted human emotions, but after spending so much time on earth he’d pick them up quite easily.

He had finally seen the world the way Anna always had and it was beautiful. He understood why she had wanted this and his anger at her for leaving him had vanished long ago. It was times like these, where he wished he felt nothing.

Losing her, the only one who ever knew him, truly knew his essence, what made him tick, broke him in a way nothing had. Emotions he didn’t understand filled him and all he wanted to do was make them go away.

He’d seen Dean drown his sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol and he thought perhaps that would work and as he moved the bottle away from his lips and glanced at it he realized it hadn’t. The gut wrenching pain was still inside of him.

He glared at the bottle, pulled his arm back, and threw it as far as he could. He watched as the glass shattered against a tree, liquid spilling, slowly soaking into the roots. This is the way things were, hard, lonely, and hopeless.

Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be

Castiel had lost his purpose and now that things were difficult and baring down on him the one person he needed to turn to, the one person that had always been there was gone and it was his fault. How did humans go through everyday life with this kind of crushing weight on their chest?

He wanted to make her proud, not let her death be in vein after everything she tried to do to save Sam and Dean, to show him the truth behind the Angels plans, but he just didn’t know who he was, who he wasn’t or who he wanted to be anymore.

But he needed to try, if for nothing else then for Anna. He needed to stand up and be the rock for once. Dean was losing faith quickly and Castiel had the sneaking suspicion it had a lot to do with the death of the younger Harvelle woman.

And Sam, well the odds had been stacked against him from the beginning. He stood from his seated position, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Castiel was still as he relaxed his body and let go. The wind whirled around him softly, the smell of lavender and jasmine invading his nose.

He would never be able to hold her again or hear her words of comfort, her passionate opinions or see her all too human tendencies, but he could remember them and never forget what he was fighting for. He didn’t need to have faith in God or wait for some greater savoir.

All he needed was to have the same faith that Anna had in him so long ago. He would keep fighting and not falter in his hope again, because in the end that’s all that he could do.

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