Saturday, April 9, 2011

They Used To Be Happy

Title: They Used To be happy
Rating: NC-17
Author: Reportergirl13
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Jo,
Warning: It’s full of Angst and Dark Sam…beware
Word Count: 1,473
Prompt: “Love can’t endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low.” (feigned_living)

They used to be happy. At least she thinks they were, Jo couldn’t remember anymore. There was a time when seeing Sam’s face brightened her day like nothing else could. A time when his hands against her skin brought with them whispers of a future and promises yet to be made.

A lot had happened in the past five years. So many hunts, too many sacrifices, and an apocalypse. Everyone was dead, but they survived, barely and Jo still wasn’t 100 percent sure how.

Now, they scarcely made eye contact and when they did, Jo felt disgust well inside of her. His touches, no longer gentle and loving, but coarse and selfish bringing with them echoes of anger and blame. Every touch blackened her soul that much more. Her eyes settled on him as he flipped from station to station.

The angles of his face had hardened with time, jaw always set in tension, a dark cloud of guilt, anger, and pain surrounding him, encompassing the carefree loving man he used to be. And not for the first time Jo wondered what happened to him. What happened to the man she fell in love with five years ago?

The man who deemed her the most important part of his life aside from his family. The man who gave her flowers on their first date, laughed at her dirty jokes, rolled his eyes when she hustled other hunters, and shook his head when she went on about music for hours on end.

They had been so in love and sometimes she could still feel that love, pounding inside her, like the fluttering wings of a caged animal, trapped, afraid, and those were the times when the truth of their situation crashed down on her like ice water.

Sam didn’t love her anymore. He went through the motions of being with her, but his heart was too immersed in his own pain, pain he blamed her for, that it overshadowed any love he could ever have for her. The realization was one she’s had before, but never wanted to believe.

But as he sat there, staring blankly at the TV, she knew it was true. She stood slowly, walked over to him, and when her soft hand touched his arm, he flinched briefly before taking his hand and placing it over hers.

Sam pulled her around until Jo was straddling his lap. It always started off slow. Gentle caresses, callused hands against silky flesh. His finger grazed the scar on her stomach and that’s when it always changes. His hands tighten on her, biting into her flesh.

He stood practically knocking her over, but gripped her thighs before she fell. Before Jo can process the change she’s being shoved roughly up against a small table in the corner of the motel room. His hands bruised her pale skin, the same skin he once worshiped and treated with care.

She held onto his arms as he mauled her body. Red welts across her neck and breasts from his mouth and teeth. He could see she was upset, but he didn’t care. She made her grave, she could lie in it. When the first tear fell Sam twisted her body around and bent her over the table.

He couldn’t watch her cry, didn’t want to. The golden curls he once loved were now dull as they fanned out on the table in front of him. The scent of lavender no longer rose from her skin. She never fought back, never yelled at him for the way he treated her. And not for the first time Sam wondered what happened to her.

What happened to the woman he fell in love with five years ago? The badass hunter who’d never let anyone treat her like she was less than what she was. Who took his flowers on the first date and said flowers wouldn’t get him into her pants he’d have to try harder.

The woman who laughed at his stupid jokes, rolled her eyes when he’d get jealous in front of other hunters, and shook her head when he went on for hours about research. They used to be in love, sometimes he thinks they still are and that’s when it happens.

He remembers what she did, what she cost them and all he wants to do is make her hurt as bad as he does. He doesn’t even take the time to make sure she’s ready before surging forward and slamming inside her.

Jo winced, knuckles white from her grip on the table. He could feel the tension in her body, as his fingers danced across her stomach, hand coming to rest over the scar. His reminder of what she did. What she took from them. Her sobs were loud as her hand shoved at his stomach. He tightened his grip as her voice broke the silence.

“Stop! Sam please just stop…”

He did. He pulled out and moved away from her and she felt empty, raw, defeated. Her voice was laced in pain as she pulled the shirt she was wearing down and turned to face him. His chest constricted at her blood shot eyes, tear stained face, and quivering lip.

She met his eyes for the first time in a long time.

“How long are you going to keep punishing me?”

“How long are you going to keep letting me?”

Jo reared back as if he slapped her. The look on her face made daggers shoot through Sam’s heart adding to the guilt he already felt. Her voice was a whisper, but he heard it.

“I saved your life Sam…”

He let out a bitter chuckle.

“I told you to stay at Bobby’s, begged you. You promised me, swore you wouldn’t leave.”


“Don’t. I wish I had died.”

The tears had started again as she shook her head.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I? Do you really think I want to live knowing that our child’s life was sacrificed for mine? Had you thought before running out into the middle of a battle we’d have a kid right now. Instead you risked your life and the baby’s life to save mine and look how well that turned out for you.”

Jo closed her eyes, and had to focus on breathing. In the back of her head she had always known he blamed her, but he’d never said it out loud. It felt like someone was clenching their fist around her heart squeezing, suffocating.

She opened her eyes and Sam stood his ground. Her demeanor calmed as she took a deep breath.

“You’re angry, I’m angry too. You weren’t the only one who lost something that day. I’m the one who felt the emptiness when she was gone. The gaping hole inside me that you were supposed to try and fill. I’m tired of hurting. I want our lives back.”

Sam’s eyes were dark as the anger drained from his body. He sat on the bed as he watched her.

“This is our life.”

Jo swallowed hard and straightened her body.

“Then I want out. I can’t sit here while you fall further into this void Sam. I love you…you’re in my heart and I can’t get you out, but I hate what we’ve become. I can’t be your punching bag anymore. I don’t know what you’re feeling because the only thing I see from you is anger or indifference. Do you even still love me?”

His jaw clenched as he looked away from her and she had her answer. It didn’t take long to pack her stuff, there wasn’t much left. She slipped on her jeans, shoes, and grabbed her jacket. Sam sat his body still, not making a move to stop her.

She stopped at the door and when he looked up at her silent tears coursed down her cheeks. He felt something tug at his heart, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask her to stay. Every time he looked at her, all he saw was everyone they lost, the family, the dreams, the future.

“Goodbye Sam…”

She waited a full minute for him to stop her. Ask her not to go. Yell at her. Anything…but nothing happened. He didn’t move from his spot on the bed. As the door slid shut behind Jo, she felt like she was leaving a part of herself behind. She’d spent five years of her life with a man who could no longer stand even looking at her.

A man that wasn’t willing to try. That didn’t want her and she couldn’t take it anymore. After everything they’ve been through she deserved to be happy. She loved Sam, but love can’t endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low.

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