Saturday, April 9, 2011

Broken Inside

Title: Broken Inside
Rating: PG-13
Author: Reportergirl13
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean, Sam
Word Count: 850
Prompt: A poem I stumbled across sort of inspired this. (Poem is at the bottom of the post)

Sam sighed as he pulled the impala into one of the empty spots outside the rundown motel. He pushed open his door, walked around to the passenger side, and pulled the door open. Dean was sprawled out on the seat, eyes glassy, mouth mumbling unintelligible things.

He leaned into the car grasping under Dean’s arms, pulling him forward, and yanking him out of the car. The smell of whiskey surrounded his brother as he stumbled. Sam pulled one of Dean’s arms over his shoulder as he slipped his hand around his brother’s midsection.

He half dragged, half carried Dean to the motel room. The room was dark and had a stale smell about it, but Dean didn’t seem to care, not that, that surprised Sam much. It had been two years today. Two years since Jo and Ellen Harvelle sacrificed their lives so the Winchesters could stand a chance against the devil.

And they had, not at first, but in the end they had won the war. It hadn’t been easy and they’d lost a few more people along the way, but Dean had promised Ellen he’d ‘kick it in the ass’ and that’s exactly what he’d done.

He only wished they’d been able to do it sooner. Dean would never admit it, but Jo was the last straw for him. They grew up surrounded by death and Sam used to think that there wasn’t anything that could break his brother. He had been wrong.

After Jo’s death Dean changed. He was still fighting the war, but he wasn’t invested it, almost like he didn’t care what the outcome was and that had been what worried Sam the most at the time. His shift in moods certainly hadn’t been all about Jo; it was about everything, but she had been the final nail in the coffin.

Dean loved her, Sam knew that, but his brother hadn’t realized it until it was too late, which is what he thought made the blow that much worse. Dean grunted as Sam dropped him lightly on the bed. He moved toward the edge of the bed and pulled Dean’s boots off one at a time.

He hated seeing his brother like this, but since it only happened once a year, Sam hadn’t gotten on his case about it. Ninety-five percent of the time he was a responsible drinker. Sure he drank more than most, but their lives were different than most people’s lives.

Dean opened his eyes as he felt the tugging on his boots. He groaned.


Sam shifted, standing up so he was facing Dean, eyebrow raised.


His headed rolled back and forth as he let out a humorless chuckle.

“Where are we?”


It was quiet and Sam figured he’d passed out so he moved away from the bed, tossing his shirt to the floor, toeing off his shoes and plopped down on the other bed in the room. As he laid their hands behind his staring at the ceiling Dean’s voice drifted through the dark room.

“Do you think she knew?”

Sam took a deep breath. This was the only time he ever mentioned her. When he was too drunk to care if Sam knew his weaknesses.

“I’m sure she did.”

“Liar…I didn’t even know.”

“I did…and I think Ellen and Bobby did too…so maybe she saw through the bullshit.”

“You ever wonder what it woulda been like?”

Sam’s brows creased in confusion.

“What what would have been like?”

“If I hadn’t wasted it. The time…she had beautiful eyes Sammy…”

Sam’s throat constricted at the wistful sound in Dean’s voice. He knew what was coming next.

“I miss her something fierce…sometimes I think I see her…thought I saw her tonight, but it was wrong…everything was wrong. I miss Ellen and her scary looks…I miss Bobby and the way he always called us idiots…and Mom…god I miss mom…I even miss Dad’s hard ass…”

He chuckled and Sam swallowed hard.

“I know you do…I do too…”

Dean needed this. It was the one night a year he didn’t pretend. He didn’t go to bars to pick up women, and have a good time. He went there to remember, to pour anguish into a drink and feast on it until it burned him from the inside out.

One night a year he let out the emotions he carried with him constantly and that’s how they made it through the next year. In the morning he wouldn’t remember any of this or he’d pretend not to remember it either way they’d drive out of town and to their next hunt.

Dean would go on listening to classic rock, picking chicks up at bars, giving Sam a hard time, and making random movie references because that’s what he did. They’d go through another year ignoring the truth, but Sam knew.

He could read it on his face, see it in his eyes. He’s knows his brother better than anyone and no matter how hard he tried to hide it Dean was broken inside. Sam only hoped time would repair the wounds life had left.

Here I lie,
Broken Inside,
Nowhere to go,
Nowhere to hide.

I'm left here all alone,
With no one by my side.
All I do is sit here and cry,
I'm so broken inside.

Too many problems,
Too many tears.
I'm bleeding blood and crying tears.
Unbearable pain, through all of these years.

No one in my life,
Really seems to care,
They go throughout their day,
Hardly noticing I'm here.

I'm alone in this world,
With nowhere to go,
Filled with so much sadness,
No one will ever know.

You can read it on my face,
You can see it in my eyes,
But no one ever takes the time to notice,
I'm broken inside.(By Kristina)

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